Tips For When Your Separated Spouse Claims To Feel Nothing For You
If you’re facing martial problems or a separation, it’s very common to try to fall back onto the very basic connection between you – and that is the love that you share. Because even when things are difficult, most people can at least realize that even if the loving feelings have evolved and changed somewhat, the core feelings still remain, even if they manifest themselves differently.
A problem can arise when one spouse insists on denying these loving feelings. A wife can explain a situation like this one: “I’m not going to sugarcoat it. My marriage stinks right now. It’s awful. We fight all of the time. There are times when I think that my husband and I do not like each other very much. But when I have those thoughts, I console myself with the fact that deep down, we love one another, even if we don’t express it very well lately. We got into a huge fight last night, and I expressed this sentiment to my husband. Imagine my shock when he told me that not only did he not love me anymore, but that he didn’t feel anything at all for me. He went on to say that when he sees me now, the feelings that he feels in response are about the same as when he sees a stranger walk into the room. He says he feels no hatred and no animosity. He claims that he feels the absence of love or hatred. In essence – nothing. At the end of the conversation, he packed a bag, said we were separated, and urged me to just accept it. I am stunned on so many levels. In one night, I’ve been told that my husband feels nothing for me and now I am suddenly separated. Is it possible for a husband to feel absolutely nothing for his wife?”
The Probability: I suppose that it is possible, but I don’t always think that it is likely. And I find it very telling that his admission occurred after a huge fight. Certainly, constant fighting and tension can have a negative impact on loving feelings between you. But I don’t find it plausible that loving feelings are going to completely disappear overnight. Now, couples who have been fighting and who have been disrespectful to one another for many years can find themselves in a very combative relationship where the love has been replaced with nasty feelings. But it’s unusual for someone to deny feeling anything at all. (Which is why I think that it is not likely to be true.)
Understanding The Real Dangers Of Indifference: I’m not trying to alarm you, but I’ve come to the opinion that indifference in a marriage (or the lack of any feelings) is a serious danger sign. Why? Because at least when you are angry at or disappointed in your spouse, you’re still affected by them – which means that you are still emotionally invested.
When someone feels nothing it all, it could mean that they are no longer invested, which can be troublesome. However, I would give this more weight if your husband had made this announcement in a time of calm rather than when you were fighting. You obviously know your husband and I do not, but often when something is said in the heat of the moment in this way, it’s mean to hurt or at least to get a reaction.
So yes, I find it unlikely that a husband would suddenly have no feelings whatsoever for his wife. I think that it is more likely that the fighting and the ill-will have dulled those feelings over time. Does this mean that you can’t get the feelings back? Absolutely not. In my own experience, you absolutely can, but it can take a great deal of effort, willingness, and patience.
A Step By Step Process: The first step is to stop whatever is deteriorating the relationship. In this case, that appears to be the fighting. A separation can be scary and difficult (I know this first hand also,) but sometimes an unexpected benefit of it is that it stops the fighting, which in turn lays the ground work for healing the relationship. Some couples are able to do this without counseling, but many take advantage of counseling to help them pause whatever it is deteriorating the feelings.
The Importance Of Everyone Opening Up: Once the fighting is paused or stopped, the key is to restore the loving feelings between you. This is done by spending time together, having shared experiences, and allowing yourself to be vulnerable enough to receive and give love during this time. This vulnerability is extremely important. Why? Because a man claiming to not “feel anything” is an indication of a man who has shut down. In order to feel loving again, he’s going to have to willing to eventually open himself up again.
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